Getting Things Done vs. Being in Relationship

 

Successful professional women get a lot done in a day. Frequently, the need to accomplish things overtakes the need to just be. Relationship requires just being. Going nowhere slowly. Savoring the togetherness. 

I have noticed that some people prioritize getting things done in life, while others prioritize their relationships with other people. Sometimes, the focus on getting things done actually has the effect of limiting or erasing one's personal connections, even with one's life partner. 

For professional women who can't seem to find a life partner, this struggle may be key. If work drives you, takes up all your time and energy, you're not really available for partnership, which requires just being with another person. 

What is your priority in life? Does it need to shift into a more relational mode? 

Communicating Well: Three Beliefs That Can Get In Your Way

After listening really well, the next step in good communication is to understand and convey that understanding to your partner. You will need to speak clearly, gently and reasonably--in a way that he or she can really hear you. 

Three Beliefs That Get in the Way of Communicating Clearly: 

1. "But I want to be honest!" Honesty should not be confused with brutal honesty. Brutal honesty is when you tell the other person exactly what you think and feel, without editing, without being reasonable, without consideration for how this kind of communication might be effecting the other person. Brutal honesty is hurtful and destructive. Gentle, considered honesty enhances and strengthens relationships.
2. "But I need to get my anger out!"  This is an outdated belief, based in the pop psychology of the 1970's. Many people use this as an excuse to blast the other person in a self righteous, even abusive way. A more productive approach is to work internally with your anger first. Come to a reasonable understanding of your needs and feelings. Then communicate this without blame, gently, reasonably. Use your anger in this way to build a bridge of understanding.
3. "But I'm right!" This is how we all feel when we're in conflict with another person. When there are problems communicating, "But I'm right!" suddenly becomes the main reason for arguing at all. However, this only increases conflict.  There's an old saying: "You can be right, OR you can be married!" ("OR be in a friendship, OR get along with your colleagues, or...). Surrender to the fact that your own view is limited at best. There are other, equally valid, perspectives. Put yourself in your partner's shoes, and experience what it's like to be "right" from his or her perspective.

Relationship Skills: How to Communicate

Communication is 90% listening! Yes, listening--not speaking!

Seven ways to listen better:

1. Listen, really listen, to what your partner (i.e. friend, lover, colleague, spouse) is saying. Listen so hard and so well, that you can repeat back to him or her not only the content of what they have said, but how they feel about it, too. Then do this! "Well, I heard you say that ___ is important to you, and that you really feel ___."
2. Listen with the ear of compassion, a silent welcoming. Not judgment. Not "yes, but..." 
3. Listen with your whole body. Mindfully use your own body sensations and emotions to understand how you are experiencing this communication.
4. Listen to your own defensiveness, as the "yes, but..." thoughts begin to form. 
5. Listen  with patience, and without interruption.
6. Listen  for the ways in which you can respond with gentleness and curiosity, rather than abruptly, aggressively, or dismissively. "Tell me more about..." or "Do you mean...? 
7. Listen for the parts you can agree with, and speak to those first.

Copyright 2013 Linda Cunningham